Let’s see if you recognize yourself in this: Your day was full and exhausting. You feel like most of your time was spent getting things done and doing things for others. Time for yourself, as so often, was limited or non-existent. You barely had time for yourself all day and now that your tasks are finally (mostly) done, you feel drained and annoyed that you don’t feel as if you have the energy to make use of these precious final moments of the day for yourself. Instead, you find yourself slouched on the couch, watching tv or scrolling on your phone, or both. Finally, you drag yourself to bed. And rather than drifting off, it feels like the moment your head touches your pillow, your brain springs into action. Sleep is out of reach, when the mind is busy worrying over past or future events.
If this sounds familiar, keep reading. Spoiler: You are not alone in this!
Are you aiming for the stars?
It’s easy to get caught up with unrealistic expectations for night-time-, or other routines when we look at what we are shown on social media. From hour-long meditation and yoga sessions, to fasting and imbuing special teas, before spritzing calming sprays and dropping one’s head on a silk-clad pillow before falling asleep effortlessly.
Reality looks very different for most (if not everyone).
Rather than aiming for the stars, let’s see how some small changes could help you sleep a bit better and feel a bit more rested during your day. What are some ways that you could try and start addressing this?
What is going wrong?
It can feel overwhelming and difficult to pinpoint where to start when all we see are overly curated versions of what an evening needs to look like. Rather than aiming for the starts, let’s start where you are right now:
Ask yourself what makes getting to bed on time, or feeling calm before sleep, difficult. There can be a variety of reasons why your evening does not feel as calm as you’d like it to feel. For example, some people simply need a bit more time to get to a calm state of mind after a full day. Perhaps you first need to give yourself permission to claim this time for yourself and your wellbeing, rather than making it yet another period of productivity. Spending some time with calmer activities, like reading or soft, comfortable movements can help to get you in a mindset that helps you relax and later drift off.
Build a sleep-ladder
One of the major issues clients struggle with when it comes to falling asleep and getting enough rest during the nights, is the feeling of helplessness when they just can’t seem to drift off. We are generally more vulnerable to emotional and catastrophizing thinking patterns at night. (Kern, 2022) This is due to the fact that we are quite literally not as rational as we usually are. Feeling tired is stressful for us. Usually, when we are less stressed, the prefrontal cortex (PFC) helps to regulate our thoughts and emotions, enabling us to, broadly speaking, think more logically. When we become stressed, another part of the brain, the amygdala (often called the emotional centre of the brain) increases its activity and is less controlled by the PFC, making us more emotional.
So how can we handle those pesky spiraling thoughts at night?
I often recommend having not just one, but several small strategies at hand that can help you relax. Sometimes it’s necessary to follow one strategy up with another (and perhaps even another). Like the rungs of a ladder, you move from one step to the next, until you are where you want to be.
Here are some options to build your “sleep-ladder”:
- Breathing exercises: I recommend box breathing, belly breathing, or even the 4-7-8 breathing method.
- Guided relaxation/Guided relaxation stories: You can find some examples here, and here.
- Cozy stretches that help your body feel at ease, for example this one, or this one.
- Progressive muscle relaxation, for example this one, or this one.
- Cognitive shuffling: Give your brain something to do, other than overthinking.
- If it takes longer than 30-40 minutes to fall asleep, getting up and doing something else (e.g. reading, crossword puzzles, having an uncaffeinated cup of tea) by dim light, before returning to bed when you feel sleepy.
Pick at least three options from the different strategies. Decide which order would make sense for your “rungs”. Help yourself remember what strategies you picked, by simply writing them out on paper, or saving a list with links on your phone. You are now the proud owner of a “sleep-ladder” plan that you can follow easily.
Now, try out your “sleep-ladder” and see if it works. We often don’t know what will help us feel calmer, so I suggest that you try out your strategies for a few nights and see what works. Additionally, relaxation strategies, like breathing exercises and progressive muscle relaxation have the tendency to work better for us, when we have more experience applying them. So really do give those strategies a few tries, before you decide whether to keep them on your “ladder” or find alternatives.
If you liked this blog and would like to learn more, you can find other posts about sleep here and here. I am also currently accepting new clients for online sessions and will likely also be available for (cheaper) in-person sessions from January 2026 onwards. Contact me if you would like to learn more about online or in-person sessions.
References
Kern, P. (2022, May 20). Why do we get teary when we’re tired or sick? Find an Expert : The
University of Melbourne.
Photo by Mike Lewinski on Unsplash
Margaretha Madoures 