Many people, if not most, struggle with protecting themselves from overextension, being taken for granted and not feeling overwhelmed by external demands. In my experience, this is an issue more commonly experienced by women. Why is that?
Women show more empathy and compassion than men. Men don’t seem to show these types of behaviours to the same extent (McDonald & Kanske, 2023). One theory to explain this difference is the factor of upbringing. Someone who is taught to put the needs of others before their own. This can have severe consequences. Someone who is taught to put others’ needs before their own, can easily struggle with setting boundaries. Because really, how should they know how to? Often, setting boundaries means prioritizing one’s own needs and wants over those of others. That is the complete opposite of what many women are taught.
In my work with women I usually try to help women to first put words to their experience. So often, they feel torn between anger (and no way to voice it) about the situation and guilt for wanting more when others often have it worse. The latter is a false logic: If we were to follow it, we can only want more or better for ourselves if we are the person who objectively (whatever that would mean) is at their worst.
Secondly, we address the guilt (more often than not, that is the case). Questions like, “What are you feeling guilty about?” and a follow up of “Would you say that a good friend should feel guilty in exactly the same situation?” quickly open up the conversation and offer clarity about personal standards.
Finally, we come to the really good stuff: How to actually set boundaries. Readers who have been following for a while, know that this is one of my favourite topics. I have written at least two blog posts only focusing on boundaries. You can find them here and here.
Boundaries are important!
One thing that one need to know about boundaries is that they usually include several steps:
First step: Noticing that a boundary exists/has been overstepped.
Second step: Communicating (if not done already) that this is a boundary.
Depending on the reaction of the other person further steps might be necessary.
If the person still oversteps the boundary, or pushes against them, consequences must follow. We separate natural, logical and illogical consequences.
The final step is finding and enforcing the consequences (or letting them happen; see “natural consequences”) thereby making it clear that the boundary is respected in the future.
This all is quite theoretical, for more practical examples, I recommend that you read my previous blog posts on the topic (Boundaries with Friends, Common Difficulties of Women, Boundaries and Diet Culture).
References:
McDonald, B., & Kanske, P. (2023). Gender differences in empathy, compassion, and prosocial donations, but not theory of mind in a naturalistic social task. Scientific Reports, 13(1), 20748.
ABOUT THIS BLOG FORMAT: Short and Potent
This is a new format of my blog. With this format I want to specifically address, talk about and support women. The posts are shorter and meant to be thought-inspiring. I know that long-winded texts can feel overwhelming. So to make talking about feminist topics more accessible, I want to offer you more bite-sized posts that feel less overwhelming.
Margaretha Madoures 