Oh no! Diet culture got my parent!

The other day, a client talked to me about a recent experience with their mother. They told me that while spending time with their mother they felt frustrated. It seemed that their mother’s relationship with food isn’t very healthy and she made judgmental comments about the physical traits of a number of passersby. During their time together my client had to listen to frequent comments such as “I am not hungry, because I ate so much for breakfast” and some other, that made them feel like they should be eating less. It impacted their enjoyment of food and the overall time together. During our conversation I hypothesized that their mother might be entrenched in “diet culture”, which they agreed is probable.

This experience is in no way unique to my client. Many grew up with parents, and often mothers, who had similar and worse relationships with food and their bodies. Also Karen Kilgariff mentions in the books she wrote with Georgia Hardstark that her mother’s relationship to her body influenced her self-esteem and how she viewed her own body. In the book she describes a scene in which her mother was standing in her bedroom in front of her, grabbing her own stomach roles and making disgusted remarks about herself. This and similar experiences shaped how Karen viewed her own body and influenced her relationship with food. Karen developed an eating disorder, with which she is still struggling (Kilgariff & Hardstark, 2019).

So what is diet culture? “Diet culture” refers to a set of beliefs that values thinness, appearance, and shape above health & well-being […]. Additionally, the concept places importance on restricting calories, normalizes negative self-talk, and labels certain foods as “good” and “bad”. Individuals subjected to “diet culture” messages have been conditioned to believe that not only does thinness and dieting equate to health, but that the pursuit of health makes one person morally superior to another[…].” (“Diet culture” & social media, 2021). 

I have recently heard more clients refer to experiences like this and also learned how it affected them. In this case, the client started to notice effects quite quickly and was able to understand the negative impact their mother’s behaviour was having on them. They soon noticed thoughts such as “I should be eating less.” and others that indicated a questioning of their own hunger cues and food choices.

If you have experienced similar situations I want to help you out. The following points are some steps you can take to set boundaries with others when it comes to this topic.

In the past I have written a more general blog post on how to set boundaries with friends and other people you care about, which you can find here. In this post I am focusing on setting boundaries with others when it comes to “diet culture” behaviours.

Don’t acknowledge and change the subject

Some behaviours seize by themselves if they are not followed with the result that is expected of them. So one way of reacting to a comment that comes from diet culture, is to not react at all. You can do that for example by leaving two to three seconds of silence, before switching the subject. This strategy is not very confrontative, which might be easier for you, if you struggle with conflict. It’s definitely worth a shot, but consider that it might take several tries before the signal is received.

Let them know that you prefer not to make comments like that

Often individuals who are entrenched in diet culture aren’t aware that they are. This way of looking at food and bodies is just simply how they have learned to see the world and they don’t see how this behaviour could be problematic. Give them the benefit of doubt and don’t judge them too harshly.

On the other hand, that does not mean you have to simply endure the comments up to the extent that it impacts you negatively.

While it is also not your job to “preach” about the evils of diet culture to them and subsequently make them change their ways, you are surely allowed to ask them to refrain from making such comments around you.
Here are some ways to phrase this:
“I prefer not to comment on other peoples’ bodies, because it makes me start thinking about my own body in judgemental ways. I would appreciate it, if you could refrain from similar comments in my presence.”
An alternative could be: “I am trying to listen to what my body is telling me. When you are commenting on how you are not hungry because you’ve eaten badly earlier, it makes it harder for me to respect my own hunger signals.”.

Address the overall issue when suitable

Sometimes the previous request is not enough and the comments will continue. In that case you can give the person another chance. Perhaps they haven’t yet understood what you are trying to achieve with your request. In this case it might be helpful to explain a little more. Below you will find some points that might help them understand.

You could try and explain to them, that

• categorising food as “bad” vs. “good” is not a scientific concept and that foods, as long as they are not rotten or allergens, are neither
• a person can be healthy, independent of their body size
• what is a healthy diet is highly individual and varies from person to person
• commenting negatively on your own body or eating behaviour in front of others can decrease their ability to maintain a healthy relationship to food 

(Harrison & Hefner, 2008, Strasburger, et.al., 2013, Wiseman, Sunday & Becker, 2005).

Outline how you would like them to behave in regards to this topic in the future

One way to make it more likely that people change their behaviour to one that is more appropriate, is to tell them what you would rather have them do instead. In the case of the diet-culture-entrenched parent you might say something like
“I don’t like commenting on other people, instead I prefer to focus on myself.”, or, “If I comment on another person, I usually speak about other parts other than their looks or food choices.”, or simply “The next time you feel like you need to make a comment on what I eat, please don’t. It makes it harder for me to enjoy my food.”
Feel free to adapt these phrases to your personal preferences, not everyone speaks like a book on pedagogy (including myself).

Potential consequences, should the behaviour persist

Finally, we need to talk about the scenario in which the other person is not willing to adjust their behaviour.
Whenever this is the case, it is important to find suitable consequences that follow based on the lack of acceptance of the boundaries. One example of a “natural consequence” could be that you refuse to engage with the topic if your parent brings it up. You could let them know that “I will not talk about other people’s bodies. So please don’t bring it up anymore.” You can even phrase it just like that, or very similarly every time the topic comes up. This has the additional effect of making it less enjoyable to bring the topic up in the first place. I sometimes refer to this technique as “The broken record”, because when applied it sounds like a broken record that keeps skipping back to the same part.
After that you can again change the subject, or in more persistent cases, even leave the conversation. 

Another option could be to let the other person know that you will leave the conversation, every time they start bringing up the topic. This basically, will make it impossible for them to continue their behaviour, which in most cases will make them change their behaviour quickly.

One final note is that it is normal for them to not like it. A person disliking a consequence of their unwanted behaviour, is the prerequisite of change happening as a result. It is a sign that the information is reaching them and that, as it is often the case, their is some resistance to the change. You can read my previous blog post to learn to deal with negative feelings you might experience as a result of that.

I hope you found this blog post interesting and helpful. If you have additional strategies to set boundaries with people, I’d love to hear them. Leave them in the comments below.
If you think you need some help with setting better boundaries, you can contact me by email or through my contact form here.

References

“Diet culture” & social media. (2021, January 28). https://recreation.ucsd.edu/2021/01/diet-culture-social-media/#:~:text=What%20Is%20%E2%80%9CDiet%20Culture%E2%80%9D%3F,good%E2%80%9D%20and%20%E2%80%9Cbad%E2%80%9D.

Harrison, K., & Hefner, V. (2008). Media, body image, and eating disorders. The handbook of
children, media, and development, 381-406.

Council on Communications and Media, Strasburger, V. C., Hogan, M. J., Mulligan, D. A.,
Ameenuddin, N., Christakis, D. A., … & Swanson, W. S. L. (2013). Children,
adolescents, and the media. Pediatrics, 132(5), 958-961.

Kilgariff, K., & Hardstark, G. (2019). Stay Sexy & Don’t Get Murdered: The Definitive How-to Guide. Forge Books, 1.

Wiseman, C. V., Sunday, S. R., & Becker, A. E. (2005). Impact of the media on adolescent
body image. Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Clinics, 14(3), 453-471.

Image by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash