Many individuals, especially many people identifying as women, struggle with a near-constant heavy mental load (Dean, Churchill & Ruppaner, 2022). For them, a bit like a news ticker, an ongoing stream of items to remember, tasks to accomplish and people to get in touch with, moves through their consciousness, while they are trying to go on with their daily life. It is a sensitive equilibrium, only kept as long as nothing tips the movements out of balance by interrupting the steady flow. This however is not how life works. Eventually, the request of a colleague, a seemingly simple question of a child or a notification popping up on a screen can tip the scales. Suddenly the person feels the different juggling balls slip from their control and drop to the ground. A feeling of overwhelm and inaptitude is the result. Previously remembered tasks slip through the quickly forming cracks and important emails are forgotten and tasks remain unfinished.
To add insult to injury, the struggles are often invisible and influence all areas of life. For instance, it was observed that frequently, the male partner is mostly unaware of the high mental load of their partner. The partner in question might feel overwhelmed and alone with their struggle which might affect their ability to do their job well and put additional strain on romantic relationships in the form of resentment (Dean, Churchill & Ruppaner, 2022).
While it is possible to maintain this state for a short while, the frequent experience of many is that their mental load is nearly constantly at a maximum. Trying to hold on to too many tasks at once is tiring and places the body in an ongoing state of stress. The increased level of cortisol (i.e. the stress hormone) cursing through the vanes is unsustainable and can lead to many physical and mental issues when it continues too long. So what can be done to decrease the mental load?
The definition of mental load is “…the cognitive effort involved in managing your work, relationships, a family, and a household. Mental load is the whole bundle of details you manage throughout the day. It has to do with your responsibilities, formal or not, as well as the decisions you have to make.”
Get an overview of what is cluttering up your mind
Most who struggle with a too high mental load, feel overwhelmed. Before the mental load can be decreased, it makes sense to get a clearer idea of what the different tasks and things are that keep your mind occupied. Sit down and write down each task and idea you are trying to remember. Individuals who have worked with me in the past might recognize this technique as a so-called “brain dump”. Don’t analyze or categorize the different items when you first write them down, just focus on getting an as comprehensive picture of what is going on as possible. You might write down anything from “packing school lunches”, “make a rough meal plan and shopping list” and “decluttering clutter drawer” to “remind partner to…”, “research hotels for winter holiday” to “call project representative at work”. If it is on your mind, it is important enough to be written down. It does not matter whether it is private- or work related tasks.
Once you feel satisfied that you have noted down the majority of tasks, you can look over them to analyze and categorize.
Managing expectations
One reason why many feel pressured to reflect a certain image to the outside world is internal and external expectations. Some examples of internal expectations are “My home needs to be clean, so others don’t think I am dirty.”, “If I don’t finish all the tasks on my to-do list, I am bad at adulting.” or “I need to shave and work out regularly, or I will look unattractive.”.
External expectations can sound like: “Mothers need to be the main caretaker of their children.”, “Fathers can’t be expected to be as good as mothers with their kids.”, “Girls are more quiet, while boys are wilder.” While there are numerous external expectations we are consciously and unconsciously exposed to, they are most effectively addressed by setting boundaries. This is a topic that I have been talking about in previous blog posts here (Setting boundaries with friends) and here (Capacity planning). I will focus on managing internal expectations in this blog post.
So how do you stop internal expectations from unnecessarily adding to your mental load? The first step to addressing these limiting expectations, whether they are internal or external, is to acknowledge them. Once you are aware of what kind of expectations you have for yourself, you can start evaluating each one. Ask yourself why you are expecting these things of yourself. Are these expectations realistically achievable? Often expectations we have for ourselves are based in fear. Fear of social rejection is a very powerful driver of behavior (Shapiro, Baldwin, Williams & Trawalter, 2011).
To help you regulate your own standards it can be helpful to clearly define what factors are needed to achieve a sustainable level of success. In the example of a clean home we could define how often bed sheets should be washed, the kitchen counters wiped and the toilet be cleaned. The standards are individual, but rather than relying on learned and observed levels of cleanliness, you should ask yourself what level of cleanliness you can sustainably keep up to feel well at home.
Cleanliness is just one example of the many different scenarios in which this technique can be applied.. A parent might ask themself how they define being a good caregiver for their child or a student might think about their personal requirements to be a good student.
Getting others on board
You might ask now “But how do I get my partner on board with the changes?” That is a valid question. For the individuals in your surrounding, dividing tasks more fairly will at first feel like an extra burden, but let’s not forget that they will benefit from the change as well. What is the overall goal of the changes you are trying to implement? It is for you to decrease your mental load and to feel less stressed. If the situation changes in a way that you feel less stressed, your surroundings will reap the benefits too. Your partner might enjoy spending more quality time together in which you are relaxed and don’t feel the need to get up and try to complete chores . It was even indicated that women tend to be more romantically open when they are relaxed, which again might have a positive effect on your romantic relationship (Hamilton & Meston,2013; Ter Kuile, Vigeveno & Laan, 2007). Your kids, if you have them, will notice that you are more patient and clearly enjoy spending time with them more, because you aren’t trying to finish up nagging tasks, while they are trying to engage with you.
50-50 is probably not the goal
As the article on BetterUp.com points out, the tricky bit about mental load is that it is often invisible to those around you and also emotional labor adds to it (Dean, Churchill & Ruppaner, 2022). You can learn more about emotional labor in this article on betterup.com
Because a high mental load is often invisible to others, one important step to improve the situation is to communicate it to those surrounding you. There is some strategies to apply to make it more likely for the conversation to be a success:
1. Agree on a plan for when and where this conversation should happen.
2. While you are talking about the issues, have some “agenda points” written down to help both of you stay on track.
3. Try to remain curious and solution-focused rather than becoming accusatory.
4. Pause the discussion and pick it up again later if the conversation gets too heated. A previously agreed on “signal word” may help.
I am sure that many will be confused to read that I do not recommend exactly splitting up the work so that it is divided completely equal. The reason why I do not recommend it, is because I don’t want your relationship to become more similar to an economical system in which time and effort are the two currencies. A tit-for-tat mentality will most likely not support a relationship in which the partners see each other as a team, instead it is more likely to encourage a feeling of competition. I’m sure you agree that what most people want in their partner is someone who is their ally and not their competitor.
Of course, in an equal world we would want to get to a point where each partner does exactly half of the tasks. Sadly, in most cases this is not feasible (Your household might be the exception and that is great!). Instead, come up with a list of the different tasks that need completing and decide together who is taking care of what.
The goal is that the amount of tasks each partner is responsible for is manageable and feels fair to both partners. Both partners should be able to have time for themselves in which they can recharge and engage in activities that matter to them.
Yours isn’t the only way it can be done. (Sorry)
Something I often see in my work with clients is that both partners in relationships contribute to the high mental load of the individual.
On the one side it is a partner who is in a pattern of not taking control themselves, relying on the other partner to take charge. On the other side I see a partner who is overwhelmed, stressed and resentful, but finds it difficult to give up control over how tasks are meant to be completed. Over time this increases the state of learned helplessness (Maier & Seligman, 1976) in the former partner, which perpetuates the issue.
I have worked with enough continuously stressed out individuals, of both sexes to say this: In order to feel less stressed and overwhelmed, you have to occasionally let go of your rigid idea of how things ought to be done. I know from personal experience that it is difficult to let go of the high and particular expectations and admitting that holding on to them is part of the reasons I feel stressed. Luckily, it is worth it.
In practice this can look like letting your partner take over the cooking or laundry in a way that they think it should be done, even if you would do things differently yourself. To help yourself let go focus on the overall goal of each task: Is the laundry clean and can soon be worn again? Yes? Great, the goal was achieved. Are the kids’ basic needs taken care of? Yes? Great, that’s essential. Anything else is a feature, not an essential part of the task. Over time it will get easier to feel more relaxed having your partner do things their way. Define for each area what the bare minimum is. Then focus on that.
A possible exception to the rule:
Each partner is allowed to have specific preferences on how things should be, which means that you might never come to an agreeable compromise about them. Figure out what these tasks/areas are. I have heard of a household in which one partner preferred to use porcelain dishes, which need to be washed after used, while the other partner would be perfectly fine using paper plates. The latter partner refused to help clean the dishes, because with their solution there would not be any dishes to do. However, using porcelain felt very important to the one partner, so much so, that they went to see a therapist about it. So what can you do in a situation like this?
Remember that a partnership means being there for each other. Even if the only reason you are doing the dishes is for your partner, despite you thinking them unnecessary, it is worth it. In a healthy relationship each partner listens to the needs of the other person and tries to accommodate for them. Sometimes this means doing boring household chores, just because it shows to your partner that you hear them and care enough about their peace of mind to do it.
Disclaimer:
As always, these changes will take time and the situation will probably end up looking different to what you first imagined. Especially, if these topics have not been raised within your relationship before, they can cause conflict. To an extent this is normal. However, if you or other household members’ safety could be endangered, you should seek help through friends, family members and/or external services.
Finally, I want to address that your partner might not be interested in changing the situation. This is something I have heard about in some relationships and it often ends with a separation of the partners. Seeing the partner be uninterested in creating a fairer environment can make it clear to the asking partner that there are other difficulties in the relationship. Often these discrepancies are based in outdated gender role ideas and of course previous life experience (e.g. how their parent’s distribution of tasks looked like). However, just because your partner has never experienced a different situation, does not mean that they cannot unlearn unhelpful behavior pattern or that you need to accept a distribution of tasks that is not sustainable for you, if they want to.
If you, or someone you know is struggling with a high mental load, I hope that this blog post offers some ideas on how to decrease it. As always, you can reach out to discuss your particular issues with me during a counseling session. You can find more information about that here.
References
Dean, L., Churchill, B., & Ruppanner, L. (2022). The mental load: building a deeper theoretical understanding of how cognitive and emotional labor overload women and mothers. Community, Work & Family, 25(1), 13-29.
Hamilton, L. D., & Meston, C. M. (2013). Chronic stress and sexual function in women. The journal of sexual medicine, 10(10), 2443-2454.
Maier, S. F., & Seligman, M. E. (1976). Learned helplessness: theory and evidence. Journal of experimental psychology: general, 105(1), 3.
Ter Kuile, M. M., Vigeveno, D., & Laan, E. (2007). Preliminary evidence that acute and chronic daily psychological stress affect sexual arousal in sexually functional women. Behaviour research and therapy, 45(9), 2078-2089.
Shapiro, J. R., Baldwin, M., Williams, A. M., & Trawalter, S. (2011). The company you keep: Fear of rejection in intergroup interaction. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 47(1), 221-227.
Photo by Uday Mittal on Unsplash
Margaretha Madoures 