How to deal with “negative” Emotions

Sometimes in life rational thought just flies out of the window. It happens. Usually, we are fairly calm and collected, but right then we do not have the capacity to think straight and come up with solutions that will help us to fix whatever has gotten us into this state to begin with.
What state am I talking about? The emotional state. Strong emotions are by definition irrational and often messy. Luckily, it is possible to increase one’s own emotional intelligence (Slaski & Cartwright, 2003). 

In the following I describe three steps that can help you to better deal with strong emotions and that might even help you to increasing your overall emotional intelligence.

1. Acknowledge Emotions

In a society that teaches us that anger, sadness, hopelessness as well as some other emotions are known as “negative emotions” we soon learn to suppress or hide them. It is only logical that over time it becomes more difficult to even acknowledge them for ourselves. The problem is, that just because we deny these emotions they don’t suddenly vanish from the human experience. Rather, they show up in our daily lives and we pretend that they don’t exist. If you would like to change that, the first step is to get back to acknowledging our emotions, independent of whether society has labeled them as good or bad.

2. Name & Identify Emotions

The second step is to name and identify them. This is often not easy. As previously mentioned, we are often not encouraged to express our emotions and therefore often don’t learn the right terminology for them. One tool that is often used in mental health to support clients in finding the correct names for their emotions is the “feelings wheel”. When using it, it is recommended that we start in the center with the basic, more widely-known, emotions. Then, we further specify them by selecting an emotion that is adjacent to the basic emotion. Studies have shown that the use of this tool can help to improve “emotional recognition” in children, as well as adults (Bandura, 1988; Danciu, 2010).

For example, somebody might initially think that hearing about a lost opportunity makes them feel sad. This is of course not incorrect. However, one could move further into the outer layers of the wheel and find that it is not just sadness, but more specifically hurt that this person is feeling. To further specify the feeling one could move to the outer layer of the wheel and notice that it is disappointment they are experiencing. 

This process helps to identify the specific emotion or emotions and over time will make it easier to be more accurate in identifying nuances of the experience.

The feelings wheel, as used in psychology. I found this copy here.

3. Process Emotions

Option 1: Finding a harmless Outlet

Once you have identified the emotions you can now decide what to do with them. This means you chose how to process the emotions. One thing that can help to decide what to do is to ask yourself how intensively you are experiencing them. For example, if you have successfully identified the emotion of being stuck in traffic as frustration and annoyance of you being stuck you can ask yourself how strongly you are feeling the emotions. If you are extremely annoyed right now, what would be your initial instinct to let out the emotion? A lot of people feel like they want to get loud. If you are alone in the car you could shout your frustration to a song you like or just shout. The goal is to engage in a non-harmful activity that will help you to release the emotions (Bandura,1988). 

Another way to process the emotions is by communicating them. I am sure that nearly nobody wants to deal with the consequences of shouting in anger at a colleague or a loved-one. Instead it can be helpful to communicate the emotions you are experiencing in words or writing. If in that very situation it is not possible to do so, it is the choice of a responsible person to request that the topic should be taken up again at a later time. One way to phrase that could be “I would like to continue this conversation after a cooling down period.”. A cooling down period can make the difference between ending a dispute with a mess of unwanted consequences or a conversation that has led to a solution that is at least somewhat acceptable for both parties (Gross, 2008).

Option 2: Breathing and Self-compassion

Finally, it is also possible to calm intense emotions by stimulating the vagus nerve (De Smet et. al, 2021). The vagus nerve helps our body to calm down when it is triggered, which then makes it easier to feel calm mentally. An easy way to do just that is by trying a calming breathing exercise. One easy technique is the 4-7 breathing. For that you breathe in for four seconds, before breathing out for seven seconds. You can vary the length of either part of the exercise, but it is important to exhale for a longer period than inhale. The extended exhale lets the body know that it can calm down and switch from the fight, flight or freeze response to the calmer system in which we are able to relax and think more clearly.

A calming breathing exercise:

One easy technique is the 4-7 breathing. For that you breathe in for four seconds, before breathing out for seven seconds. You can vary the length of either part of the exercise, but it is important to exhale for a longer period than inhale.

A second aspect of this type of response encompasses the way you talk to yourself. Here is a question for you: How do you talk to yourself when you are in an intense emotional state? Would you say that you are more likely to talk kindly to yourself when you are angry/sad/overwhelmed or are you more often than not thinking in a harshly judging way about your behavior and thoughts? Most people notice that they criticize themselves harshly when they experience “negative emotions”. Research has actually indicated that it is easier for us to regulate emotions when we are able to talk kindly to ourselves (Orvel et. al, 2021).

How do you talk to yourself when you are in an intense emotional state? Would you say that you are more likely to talk kindly to yourself when you are angry/sad/overwhelmed or are you more often than not thinking in a harshly judging way about your behavior and thoughts?

Often we are told that we shouldn’t let our emotions run away with us, especially the so-called “negative emotions” are something we are taught to avoid. I have news for you however: We don’t get to choose what emotions we experience. They happen automatically. We can only choose how and whether to act on them. Coming back to my point: There is no need to judge yourself for experiencing anger, sadness, jealousy and the like. Be kind to yourself. What would you tell a distressed child who is overwhelmed with their emotions? How would you treat the child? More often than not you should treat yourself in a similar manner: with compassion. You are allowed to experience all emotions. They are valid, no matter what situation you find yourself in. And finally, self-compassion has another positive effect. Once you accept the emotions and self-soothe you will most often find that they move on or in the least become less intense. 

TL;DR

If you take anything from today’s post, I suggest it will be this: Be kind to yourself no matter what emotions you are experiencing. You don’t get to choose your emotions, but you do get to choose how to react to them.

Did you like this blog post? What are your thoughts on the topic of strong emotions? Are there scenarios that you still don’t have a good strategy for? Let me know about them in the comments or get in touch on my social media. I am also on Instagram (@psych_mm). Follow me over there and send me a DM with your thoughts.

References:

Bandura, A. (1988). Self-regulation of motivation and action through goal systems. In Cognitive perspectives on emotion and motivation (pp. 37-61). Springer, Dordrecht.

Danciu, E. L. (2010). Methods of developing children’s emotional intelligence. Procedia-Social and Behavioral Sciences, 5, 2227-2233.

De Smet, S., Baeken, C., Seminck, N., Tilleman, J., Carrette, E., Vonck, K., & Vanderhasselt, M. A. (2021). Non-invasive vagal nerve stimulation enhances cognitive emotion regulation. Behaviour research and therapy, 145, 103933.

Gross, James J. “Emotion regulation.” Handbook of emotions 3, no. 3 (2008): 497-513.

Orvell, Ariana, Brian D. Vickers, Brittany Drake, Philippe Verduyn, Ozlem Ayduk, Jason Moser, John Jonides, and Ethan Kross. “Does distanced self-talk facilitate emotion regulation across a range of emotionally intense experiences?.” Clinical Psychological Science 9, no. 1 (2021): 68-78.

Slaski, M., & Cartwright, S. (2003). Emotional intelligence training and its implications for stress, health and performance. Stress and health, 19(4), 233-239.
Photo by veeterzy on Unsplash