Setting Boundaries with Friends (and others you care about)

Anyone following me on Instagram (@psych_mm) knows that boundaries are a big topic on my channel. So why do I keep going on about them?

The way we set and defend our boundaries is strongly influenced by our upbringing and the environment in which we grew up (Hong, 2018). Boundaries are essential to good mental well-being (Whitfield, 2010). Without them we often feel that we are being taken advantage of and feel drained and tired a lot of the time. That is a logical result of the continuous energy loss of trying to create pleasant situations for others while ignoring personal needs (G. B. & J. S. Lundberg, 2000).

Is this you?

You have had a long day or week and are finally at peace at home. Then a message from a friend appears on your phone asking you to go out for coffee or drinks with them. 

You are tired, but know that your friend would be very happy if you went out with them. After all, it might actually be really nice to spend time with them. You get up from the couch and meet up with your friend. Time passes and your friend suggests that you go do something else as well, like going for dinner or to another place for drinks. The evening continues and when you finally get home it is past midnight. You don’t have enough energy left to do your usual night routine and drop into your sheets. When you wake up the next morning you feel hungover and tired, despite not having had a lot to drink the other night. 

What is going on?

You’ve over-extended yourself and did way more than your body and mind could healthily manage for that day. Your physical “batteries” are so drained that you need the whole day to recover. That is a shame, because you’ve had plans and now you don’t feel like you can act on them. Instead of doing the things you have planned, you end up laying on the couch, mindlessly scrolling on the phone (which will leave you drained and possibly anxious) and binge-watching a TV series you’ve already watched several times. At the end of the day you feel annoyed at yourself for not accomplishing any of your plans and having “wasted” half of your weekend.

Does this sound familiar?

Here is what you can do differently next time:

Decline and pick a later date

If you struggle with setting boundaries, declining an invitation and possibly disappointing others might be difficult for you. I would like to invite you to consider this situation from a different point of view: Would YOU want your friend to force themselves to spend time with you when they are not feeling up to it? Would you feel annoyed if they told you that they would like to meet up another day because they need time to recover from a tough week? Most likely, you answered “no” to both of these questions. So why do you think it is not ok for you to do the same?

Try it out with something small. Next time someone asks you to do something small for you, when you don’t really feel like doing that, decline it.It is up to you to offer an explanation (e.g. that you need to rest) or don’t explain yourself. This is something psychologists call a “behavior experiment”. It is an action that you can try to prove your fears wrong. During my sessions  this would be something I ask clients to do as a type of homework.

Set time and activity boundaries to the meetup

What if you really want to hang out with your friend, but don’t want the meetup to take up too much time of your day? In one of the first Harry Potter movies, Albus Dumbledore addresses Neville Longbottom in his end-of-the-year speech: “It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.”. 

“It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends.”

Albus Dumbledore

Why is that? Your friends mean a lot to you. Mostly, they are the people that you choose to spend your time with. So telling your friends that you don’t want to spend as much time with them can feel very counter-intuitive. So logically, you don’t want to stop meeting up with your friends completely. Instead you can try to limit the meetups to an amount of time that is good for you. Here are some tips to achieve this more easily:

1. Let your friends know beforehand or at the beginning of the meetup that you only have a certain amount of time. Clear communication will prepare your friends and it won’t come as a surprise anymore.

2. Plan something for yourself straight after the meetup. This can help you to actually say goodbye on time.

3. Set yourself a reminder or an alarm that indicates that you need to start getting ready to head out. This helps, because it is usually the first step that is the hardest. Once you stand up or start collecting your belongings, it is much easier to then proceed and leave while you still feel good.

You don’t have to cut draining people out of your life

Some friends will always leave you more drained than others. Does that make them bad people? No. Should you take this effect on you into account when making plans? Absolutely!
In the media the topic of draining people is often portrayed in a way that implies that you have to completely cut out people from your life who drain you. I don’t think that this is always helpful nor wanted by the person being drained. You might have a friend who you really love, but after spending time with them you feel exhausted. Understandably, you do not want to lose a person you care for, just because of something they do that they might not even be aware of themselves. 

The solution is to set boundaries with them instead. Ask yourself how much time you can comfortably spend with them, without feeling exhausted. Find out how often you can meet up with them and still feel good. Is there something in their behavior that drains you especially? Some people find it harder to spend time with people in a louder environment, because they get overstimulated. Use your answers to the questions to decide how much time, how often and where you want to spend time with them.

The goal of setting effective boundaries is to ensure your well-being in the future. Over time consistency will show you and teach the people around you how you need to be treated. If after all, someone is consistently ignoring the boundaries you are trying to set, you can still chose to implement tougher consequences, such as spending less time and finally cutting people out of your life.

Learning to set boundaries takes time. It takes time, because you are trying to unlearn behavior patterns, that you probably have had for most of your life (Hong, 2018). Take it at a pace that you are comfortable with and practice self-compassion when you fall back into the old pattern. If you need more help with setting boundaries you can reach out and book some sessions with me. You are not the first person that I helped with setting boundaries and you won’t be the last one either. 

Further Material:

Youtube Video (German) on how to set boundaries by Dr. Wlodarek.

Youtube Video (Enlish) Ted talk on boundaries by Sarri Gilman, a family therapist

Book: Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day; Anne Katherine

Book: Boundary Power: How I Treat You, How I Let You Treat Me, How I Treat Myself; Mike O’Neil , Charles E. Newbold

References:

G. B. and J. S. Lundberg, I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better (2000) p. 13.  ISBN 978-0-670-88485-8

Hong, Soo Jung (2018). “Gendered Cultural Identities: The Influences of Family and Privacy Boundaries, Subjective Norms, and Stigma Beliefs on Family Health History Communication”. Health Communication. 33 (8): 927–938.

Whitfield, Charles L. (2010). Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoyingthe Self (2 ed.).HCI Books. p. 121. ISBN 978-1558742598.

Photo by Isaiah Rustad on Unsplash